The inner element

For a few days now I have been thinking and thinking of things to actually write about and there are so many things that come to mind; yet nothing gets traversed through my mind and into my hands to type it all out. Sort of a bridge that seems to be missing or a connection that gets lost along the way. Like my mind sees something but my hands draw it all in a blank statement or fractured ideas that evolve into nothingness. Creativity in my mind has always been flowing and is always not only brewing but in constant motion in my head.

I have always thought of myself as the creative type but what I don’t often tell people is that it only comes out from time to time; I do not like that side of me at all. It seems like I can only express myself from time to time and that is not the person I am or at least I tell not only myself but others as well. From the time that I first remember to now I have always used my hands to play music. You can always see me taping my fingers on something, playing an imaginary piano, drum or guitar, or just humming or singing a song aloud or in my head. It is like having a bad habit without actually having one, or at least not knowing you have one. The bright side is that it can be a creatively good bad habit.

The many forms that I express myself have always varied over the years and I often have a hard time believing that. I can recall drawing on paper with pencil and my mom not just criticizing but enlightening me in my art works and demonstrating me how to better that. Now I just see a computer, college ruled paper, pens and pencils and Wacom tablet next to a monitor and scanner. Yeah some the tools may have changed but the way I feel about and see art has not.

All of these means and ways that I often express myself is really to make my inner self feel good. In a way it is a perfect way to be happy. True, I often find myself doing artwork for others but in the end it is my artwork. I do get a great satisfaction knowing that I made that and they are happy for it; it makes me even happier knowing that they are happy with the end result. For now, I guess all I can really do is find a means to keep expressing myself and finding ways to not lose that train of thought or that mental image so it finds itself on the page and my final result without getting lost in the translation of mental to physical.


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