I’m not worthy.

These past few weeks have been somewhat odd for me. I say odd in the sense that good things have been happening to me. I know good things happen to good people but I often feel like I don’t deserve them. I have this tendency to put myself last and think of the people around me which I think contributes to why these good things have been happening to me.

But is that really the reason? Or is there an alternative meaning to all of this? These very questions taunt me in my sleep and have attributed to this very blog post. For the last few years I have had the pleasure of working at Starbucks and have met dozens of people that have influenced my life as well as thinking of it. They encourage me, motivate me and I feel like they make be a better person for it all. From the people I meet, greet and welcome every morning to my fellow co-worker that tells me my art work is amazing, I have felt nothing but good blessings all around.

There are several times when I have to stop and think to myself if I really do deserve to be treated the way I do from my surrounding world. I stop and think about the people in my life who are struggling to not only be happy in life but stable as well. Is there some sort of underlying trick, word or something different that I am doing that they’re not? It often times makes me sad and drags me down knowing or even thinking that I can’t help them out. It will forever be my biggest gripe with myself.

I always want to try and make things right with the world but it often times feels like it is too much even for me to handle so I will often times shut down. I think of all the good things. I think of all the bad things. Most of all I think about those around me and wonder how they managed to be where they are in their life. The people in my life have had a huge impact and I cannot thank them enough. It does sound a little strange when I say that even the people who are struggling have a great influence. I think part of it that reason is that they show me that even when things get bad there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Positivity has been the greatest thing in my life. My dad in a way taught me that. He would somehow manage to find the good in a bad situation and make a joke out of it. It has been weird to think that I will often times do the same thing but it sometimes feels like I am doing it to push people away from how I really feel or how I should be feeling.

There are so many things in my life that have played a key role in my upbringing and way of thinking that I have to stop, think and analyze what just happened and once that does it feels like that moment has just passed and now I just have to keep going whether I like it or not. These thoughts will infest every part of my brain and I fear one day will finally break me down…


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