This light of yours

moon
I am an emotional wreck. I admit it, I have my moments. One day I am the happiest person in the world; the next I am angry at the world. Even better when it’s in the span of a few hours.

When I look back on my younger years and wonder about what I did I often think aloud and question if I really did do it. Almost a second guess flashback. Sounds a little strange. Let me try that again. Make things a little clearer if you will.

As I play the video of my life in my mind’s eye I have to pause and take a look, analyze and wonder. There we go a little better. Yeah, I think a lot about my past as many people often do. About theirs of course, that would be a little creepy if somebody fantasized about mine. We’ll call those people “haters” I guess. I’m getting sidetracked.

Currently, I’m listening to Pandora and thinking about the trip to Yosemite that I didnt’ make. I know, I know. I can still go.

Background

For the last few months, I had camping reservations for Yosemite National Park. It all went down the drain when the US government decided to “shut down” and all national parks had to close. Granted there were a few that opened up for the week. None in California sadly.

On the plus side we all talked about it and chose to still get together and have a few drinks and catch up on things we’ve missed since the last time we all saw one another.

Dilemma

The issue is that the plans failed. We never went. We instead changed the date for our trip to better suit our needs and we can now plan for it a little better. Often times when plans fail I have no problem rolling with the punches that life throws at me but for some reason when it comes to close friends I have problems coping with it. Not entirely sure as to what that is.

I’ll make plans, they fall through. I get upset. I don’t always show it. Of course I feel bummed and down but nothing affects me more than when something that has been known for some time falls apart.

What’s really weird is that I think part of it stems from my dad. Yeah, father issues. Don’t get me wrong I freaking love my dad. I have always looked up to him. There are of course some things that would always let me down though.

I think the biggest issue was when I would ask for help. I’m not saying he wouldn’t help. I think it was because my dad often times had the problem of making too many plans. I guess to a certain extent making too many promises. Yup, I sort of suffer from that too.

Growing up I always felt like my dad let me down little by little by not showing up on time or not helping me out with some things but that’s neither here nor there. That train of thought sort of branches off so I’ll leave it at that.

Reflection

So as I think about the trip all I keep thinking is why didn’t we still go? Or at least me?

I think part of it being fear. I would love to go by myself one day but I think what really deters me from doing that is the fear of something going wrong. The fear of getting in an accident or getting stuck while exploring on my own and I won’t have any means of communication.

I don’t know maybe I should do it one day or at least go with Jamie and SJ. I mean he is old enough to walk on his own so there is an idea to really ponder over. I guess, we’ll see next year hopefully.

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