A turtle’s life for me

Often times I wonder and ponder what people think and say behind closed doors. Yes, I think far more than I really should. And often times things I have no desire or interesting in thinking about those things but my mind just goes there. I wish I could prevent that. Really I do.

I say a turtle’s life because there are times I feel like just shutting down. My mind just wants to stop and I don’t know what to do. Escape feels so far away but I know it’s not what I need. How I want to not think that way. A little weird but it is the way I am.

Venting through writing helps me calm down – sometimes. A good portion of the time it does. That’s one thing that has kept me from going completely insane. Music is another. Yes, I will always revert and refer back to music as my means of escape. Helps me focus. It really does. Even more so classical music.

One thing I have noticed over the years though is my change in personality. Where once I longed to explore the outside world I now look within for adventure. I know part of that is SJ. At least it feels that way. I do hate that I currently work the way I do but almost fear change. It’s a small barrier but yet I can’t seem to overcome it.

Who knew taking a leap would feel this difficult? You never know it until you reach that point. Some will guide you and some will even encourage you but will never know the emotions involved, the thoughts and fears behind it all; a lot of that is because we are all different. No one person will experience the same things others do. All they can do is guess.

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